Well, you’re back. Home. Interesting word. I always thought of this place as home…. the place where my family has its roots, its beginning…..the place that holds me and mine safely to its breast. As I was living overseas, when the going really got tough I would say to myself, “When all else fails and the world falls apart, I’ll just go home. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll go home.”
So now that I’m home, why do I feel so uprooted? And why, now that I’m home, do I feel like the world is falling apart? The place of welcome, warmth, and safety suddenly feels hostile, cold, and prickly. What happens when I find out that I don’t belong in the one place where I always thought I belonged? Welcome to reentry! The most difficult, least talked-about, and least prepared-for aspect of the globally mobile lifestyle. Why is reentry hard?
What can I do?
Now see there. You’re starting to settle in already!
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Grief is unavoidable. It will come into your life at some point, like an unwelcome companion, to sit next to you as you eat, work, and talk. It will lie next to you as you sleep. Its presence is painful, searing.
Many are unprepared for the symptoms of grief. Many are terrified that they are losing their minds until they discover that the things they are experiencing are common to all who grieve. See if you can identify with any of these symptoms of grief:
Our relationship is in a mess. We fight all the time. We need help! But my partner won't admit that we need any outside assistance. What do I do? Obviously our relationship can't grow if one of us isn't on board. Right? Wrong! If your partner won't come for help, don't let that hold you back. There are so many things we can do that will make a huge difference in your relationship. A troubled relationship is like a ball rolling down the hill. We each form half of the ball, and each maintains his or her shape. We have established a pattern of relating to one another, and although we don't like the fact that our ball is rolling downhill, it is really easy to keep doing what we've always done. Now let's imagine that one half of the ball changes shape. All of a sudden the ball has a flat side, and the rolling cannot continue the way it has done up until now. Suddenly the ball starts to slow down and eventually grinds to a halt. Many marriages have been completely changed because one person came to therapy. Take some bold steps for your relationship today, and be the agent of change. Hope is just around the corner. Give it a try! Sometimes, as couples, we get bogged down in all the things that aren't going well. We are able to bring to mind the slightest grievance, cataloging it carefully in a mental filing system, easily accessible in case we need to bring it up as evidence in our next argument. We may replay scenes from unpleasant moments, remembering each millisecond in vivid detail, as if watching a movie in full color. Only it's a movie we don't like, and it hurts our hearts. So why replay it so often?
We always move in the direction of our current dominant thought. So, what if the movie we watched over and over in our heads was the vivid, detailed scene of what we would like our relationship to be instead? My clients find this type of thinking the most challenging, and definitely the most fun. Honestly, it's a skill that needs to be acquired and then honed. My movie may look something like this: He comes home from work and my face lights up with a smile. He responds with his sweet lopsided grin, and I see the tired lines on his face start to disappear. I ask him to meet me on the back porch for iced tea, and we sit quietly in one another's presence letting the business of the day melt away. I love it when he's home! I see this short scene in vivid detail. I see what he's wearing, I see the mint leaves perched on the ice in the tea. I feel the wet, cold condensation on the glass, and the warmth of his big hand holding mine on the porch swing. I don't know if you like my short movie or not, but it certainly does something for me....I feel hopeful, excited, energized. So let's see how well you can do at creating a movie of the kind of relationship you want. The more detail you supply, the more informative it is to you. Your brain will know just what to do with the information. You will find your body responding to the picture you've painted as well. You will relax, breathe easier, feel a small smile growing in your heart and then spreading to your face. Your expression will change, your voice will be softer. You will have begun an amazing journey of transforming your relationship. Why not try it? It is empowering and hopeful. Oh....and burn those grievance files you've been cataloging so carefully. They're weighing you down. So, what do you want instead? My dear, departed aunt who lived well into her nineties used to relish her food with gusto. She often said toward the end of the meal, “My stomach’s full, but my mouth’s still hungry!” I still smile when I think about her insightful comment. It describes perfectly what happens when our stomachs are obviously not hungry, yet we compulsively cram food into our mouths, anxious to get in one more delicious bite...and then another. The scales tell the story, too, of our poor overworked bodies having far too many calories to store, and yet “satisfied” is never a word that comes to mind while we are eating. So, what gives? Below are a few helpful hints to help you decide how to become truly satisfied!
Decide if you are feeling one of the following:
2. Loneliness Loneliness leaves a huge, gaping hole in our hearts. Interaction with other human beings is what you need. Put down the ice cream, and get out of your room or house. Go to a coffee shop, call a friend. By the way, TV, Facebook, or Netflix do not count as friends. 3. Worry Sometimes, adequately addressing a worry may involve getting more ideas and information, or bouncing ideas or concerns off someone you admire and respect. Just verbalizing a worry can be helpful. Certainly much more helpful than eating a bag of potato chips! 4. Grief or sadness Significant loss brings about huge emptiness. Allowing yourself to lean into the emotion of sadness instead of covering it with activity or food is taking a step closer to healing. Remember the good times and list the things you miss most. These are great ways to name your losses and give them the dignity they deserve. For more information on how to grieve well, refer to the Hot Topic on Grief. 5. Boredom If eating seems to be the most interesting thing you do, it’s time to get a hobby! Get out there and find things that are interesting and fun. A good way to decide what that might be is to go to a book store with an enormous magazine section and pull out the magazines that look interesting to you. What are you looking at? Architecture? Doll-making? Motorcycles? 6. Stress Stressed bodies produce cortisol which causes cravings for empty calories. Address the stress, not the cravings! Stress demands that you go out on a long walk, relax, take a warm bath, pray, journal....whatever brings peace and calm to your body and mind. Filling the right holes will make a wonderful difference in your life. Each day should be filled with meaning, fun, and happiness. Happiness is a choice. Choose to be happy today. A slimmer waistline makes me happy, how about you? Depression is a very common phenomenon these days because the pace of life is demanding, and life is stressful. Did you know depression is caused by unrelenting stress? Who of us hasn’t experienced that at some time or another? Fortunately, there are some very practical things you can do right away if you suspect you are depressed. They are called “The Fabulous Four”. Here they are:
1. Eat nutritious food Did you know that what you eat can affect how your emotions function? Our bodies need nutrients to repair the damage that stressful living inflicts on our cells. Eating foods that are packed with nutrients sets us up for healthy feelings too. Believe it or not, most nutrients are found in plants. So why not treat yourself to your favorite fruit right now? Or how about a baked potato? Refined sugar and fat is hard on your body, so give it a break from high calorie foods. 2. Sleep 7-8 hours a night When does your body do the work of repairing your cells with all the nutrients you’ve been eating? During your sleep! Give your body the chance to do it’s best repairing. 3. Exercise 30 minutes a day Not only does it make your body smile to move, it also makes your attitude smile. It increases endorphins in your brain which are your “feel good” chemicals. If you don’t like exercise, don’t worry. I’m not talking about a triathlon here! Just a simple, easy walk around the block is wonderful. It gives you an opportunity to see the sky, breath some fresh air, and hear the world around you. 4. Meaningful interaction When you speak to someone and you know that person hears you, gets you, and accepts you, your brain chemicals change! Wow! Having one conversation like that each day keeps you emotionally healthy. If you don’t have someone in your life you can speak to….set up an appointment. That’s why I’m here! |
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